Words.

This feeling cannot be explained. Nor can it be described, seen, touched, heard or smelled. It can only be felt, but only when you are not trying to feel it. It may start as a feeling of confusion or a feeling of total comfort. Though you may not be able to decipher this feeling from reality, you still know that it exists. It's more real to you than a mans faith, but is even more vague and subtle than a spiritual man may describe the feeling of the spirit. It catches you off guard, but not in an unwanted way. Which drives you insane, because every other day we fear the surprising feeling of change. You want to stay where you are comfortable and don't tell me that it's better out there because I don't know whats out there, but I can tell you exactly what's in here and whats in here is exactly what makes me comfortable. Yet for some strange reason this feeling, gives you strength to be comfortable anywhere you go as long as you can see her face. As long as you can look into her eyes, see her smile and hear that sweet sound of her laughter. Her voice beckons you out of the one place you have made that keeps you safe, safe from all the hurt and pain caused by the carelessness of others around you who don't give a damn about you they just want to know what they can get out of you. But she beckons you and you can't say no, even while knowing the whole time you are leaving the one place where you are safe and all the time you spent building this sanctuary brick by brick to keep you from ever feeling that pain again is slowly disappearing. You don't know why, but you keep walking towards the light that seems to radiate off her skin, you can't stop now. You realize that this is exactly how people get hurt and you can almost feel the pain tearing through your heart like a tidal wave turns over a row boat. You ask yourself why would I ever bring a rowboat in waters so deep and powerful, you know you have no control and you try to hold on for dear life but you know eventually you will be thrown over board. But could drowning honestly be worse than the pain of knowing you could have had the one thing you have always longed for, the one thing every man hopes for, the one thing that a man can spend his entire life searching for, the one thing that men write movies for, compose music for, risk their lives for, the one thing that spiritual men get on their knee's and beg for. You couldn't let that kind of light walk away. So you forget everything, every wall you put up, every reason that you decided you would never leave again. The one reason that kept you from waking up happy each day but to hell with anyone that says how can that be worth it because at least I don't have to feel that aching through my entire body. Cursing the very ability I have to pump blood through these veins and ask why does it hurt so much to stay alive, maybe I would be better off if I died because no one should feel this dark, no one should feel this lost. You wonder why I even bother filling these lungs with air, I know they can't possibly need this much air, but for some reason im still gasping and choking, begging for more because I know as soon as I see your smile you will take every single breath I have ever taken away. I would rather drown in my own pain, then miss the chance to say I love you. Even if it never even gets to the point that I can ever hear you say don't leave me, ill still believe in you. I'll still believe that you and me could be a we and that time itself would stop just to see me watch you, because a work of art is timeless and priceless and no amount of money could ever buy you, but ill try to. Not with money, but with affection. because to have this connection would be worth the amount of energy I would spend, and you would ask how could I possibly know that it would all be worth it, I promise you it's worth it. I can't even tell you how I know, I just know like the way Da Vinci knew every stroke he drew would be something that me and you would stare in awe at. I just know like the way a blind man knows hes home without ever seeing what he's walking into and I know this sounds strange, but I pray at night that God would turn you back into one of my ribs so I would never have to spend a day without you. Just so you would know that every breath would be painful without you but all I can ask you is. Please, don't make me live without you. Because we both know I wont make it very far without you, everything I do is a reflection of how I feel about you, perfect. But perfect in the way God intended it to be, which I believe truly means unique, honest and pure. Because I know no one is like you and I know no amount of darkness can corrupt you and it makes me sick to think that you will never be able to see yourself the way I do, but you just have to trust me. It's breath taking. If you don't agree then get on your knees and ask God and you will hear absolutely nothing, because the words he would speak would make an angel weak and no man could ever comprehend them, so just trust me. You're perfect. Perfect in all the ways that people say are make believe, but it's real to me and that's all that matters and that's how I know you will love me, because you don't think i'm crazy. You just trust me.

Welcome to the Masquerade

I guess the roses sat on your shelf. Pushed to the back of your mind and forgotten. I must have mistaken it for something else. Someday maybe it won't be a mistake. Hope you find what you need. I disappeared and now I can't find ME. But you would never know, if there is one thing life taught me its how to put on an act. So ill have everyone applauding. If I can fool them I can fool anyone. It's become a game of sorts. But now I can't tell if I'm playing. Lost in my own deception. Now I can be anyone, because I am no one. So try and guess who I will be next time you see me. It just might be exactly what you need. Thank you for being the lovely assistant that helped me perfect the act. Maybe I'm just over reacting but, maybe its part of the act. Now they are all clapping. Let's pretend she found me. It will make them happy.

Joga bonito

"If we deny love that is given to us, if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss, then our lives will be empty, our loss greater. For love withers from predictability, It's very essence is surprise and amazement."- Leo Buscaglia.  

For me it is impossible to not feel that overwhelming fear of not receiving love back or not succeeding. But if I knew I would get love back or knew I would succeed at anything I tried, I don't think I would ever try. I would never gain new experiences. That's why I like to jump in head first, that excitement of the unknown and mystery of the adventure that I begin each day is enough to put that fear where it belongs. On the sidelines. I refuse to let it dictate how my life will be. I want to experience everything I can, feel everything, gain new experiences. Get my heart ripped from my chest and stomped on, because if that never happened how could I ever know what love is? How would I feel pleasure without pain? Life isn't fair, it never will be. So why waste an unfair life on the sideline watching others live? This is my only time on Earth, and it goes by in a blink of an eye. So I am going to live it. I will take in every ounce of pain and fear and sorrow. Because I know that I can decide to not let it control me. Because I know there is always an adventure out there waiting for me. And I know that there is someone here who loves me for me. For who I am. Right in this moment. And will give back every ounce of love that I give. For me the one thing that hurts worse than any amount of pain, heartbreak or failure is the regret that comes from knowing that if I just would have gave it a chance something amazing could have happened. If I would have not been afraid I could have experienced something incredible. That kills me. So I will make sure that I give every opportunity and chance I get everything I have. And if it doesn't work then at least I tried and I can sleep at night without that haunting feeling of wondering what could have been if I tried. If I just gave it a chance. Fear only has as much power as YOU give it. Only you can decide if your life will be full of love and wonder and excitement at every turn. It's up to you to use the agency that has been given to you. I have all the power I will ever need to have an incrediblely, unbelievably beautiful life. So I will use it. Life is only what you make of it. It will always be hard, but that just makes the reward so much greater. Besides you have all the help you could ever need, all you have to do is get on your knees and ask for it. Life is beautiful so don't blink. Don't just sit and watch it fly by you, you never know when your time is up here. So enjoy it while it lasts.

Sometimes you have to be human.

I get so angry when I can't even take my own advice, or learn from my mistakes. I kick myself for feeling sad, for wanting to cry over silly things or anything at all. To let the pain and the anger and all the sadness determine what I do, what I don't do, who I talk to, who I don't talk to. Then I realize I am only human. I'm going to feel down when my heart is broken. Sometimes I will have to sit and feel the sorrow before I can pick up the pieces and start again. I'm only human. Sometimes I will pray and ask to be able to not feel anything at all. Even though I know its wrong, part of being human is feeling these emotions, I can't let it control my life but I can't not experience them. Life isn't always beautiful and sometimes your stuck in a freezing cold rainstorm for hours and your alone. And you would give anything to be somewhere else, to not think about her. To not feel this way but eventually the sun has to shine and the one you have been hoping and searching for will be there waiting with open arms to give you the love you never knew. The love you wish you felt. Till then God is always there for me even though I am human. He always will be, to take the pain away when its too much. To remind me that he will send someone here who will love me for me.

The Greatest Gift

-(K)- I cannot express even the smallest amount of emotion and feeling that I have inside. It almost feels like a curse or thorn in my side because, I cannot express the immense gratitude that I have in my heart. I could thank you a thousand times and still not be satisfied. Bring you a million roses and I still could not get my point across. I wish I could fix every flaw and mistake that each day I make. Go back in time and do things right for once. Every night I thank God for putting you in my life. Without an Angel on my shoulder I would be lost, not knowing what to do or where to go. Without your love I wouldn't be where I am this very day. For that I thank you and wish I could repay you. I wish I could go back in time and fix my decision. I wouldn't have ever left because I now know whats really important. I would give anything to fix my many flaws, so that I might have a chance to give you everything you could ever want. But I still thank God to have you in my life. You have saved my life and given me a second chance. You may not realize the impact that you have had, but someday when you meet God you will finally understand. I pray that you know how important you really are and what a blessing it is to have you in my life. I am glad I can say with honesty God is very proud of me. I cannot thank you enough for all that you have done for me. I just want you to know how much you mean to me. You are so full of light and beauty it astonishes me. I hope someday you find someone who will give you the world, moon and stars. You deserve it all. I wish you nothing but happiness day in and day out. You bless the lives of so many around you I cannot wait until God wraps you in his arms and shows you all that you have done, the lives that you have blessed. My hope is that I can follow in your footsteps as I leave to serve the Lord for 2 years. Every time I bring someone to the gospel and baptize them I will think of you, of how you saved my life and gave me the greatest gift in the world. How you made my life meaningful and gave me a purpose. All the lives that I touch will be because of you. As badly as I wanted to be able to be the one that could hold you when you are down, and laugh with you when your happy. To see your beautiful smile and gorgeous eyes everyday. I am grateful to call you my best friend and guardian angel. I am sorry if I ever put you through any pain or grief. If I ever let you down or made you cry. My intentions were good I hope you know but, occasionally I can be an idiot. I am sorry for the broken and empty promises I never meant to break. If I could go back and fix it all I would do whatever it takes but, dwelling in the past will drive you crazy and get you no where in life. I just have to pick up the pieces and try start again. A missed opportunity is sad thing and I wish I could go back and have another chance with you if there was ever a chance at all. But I cannot be selfish so I have to let those feelings go, you deserve so much more. I know you will find all the happiness in the world because it will always be attracted to you because of the way you look at life. God does not forget those that do his will and live a good life. It is nice to know that you will always be in good hands. You will always be in my prayers and in my heart. Every where I go, I will never forget the second chance that I got. With all the sincerity in my heart, thank you for being you.-(D)-

Thank you God for the little things.

Thank you God for caring for us so much. For every trial he puts us through in life he gives us a hundred blessings. You just have to take the time to stop and see them. For instance, the nights when the moon is full and the size of a grapefruit just above the mountains. The beautiful sunrises and sunsets that are unique and inspiring every single day. How can you say he isn't looking out for us when he puts these beautiful things all around us just for our enjoyment. Just to make life a little easier when a rough trial comes around. He wants us to be happy more than anything and all you have to do is choose happiness. It's the most simple thing on earth. The beautiful trees everywhere, the beautiful colors that they give as the seasons change. A beautiful lightning storm, the smell of rain, the first fall of snow. I could go on and on, it is truly a blessing to be surrounded by such beauty everyday. He did all of this for us, because he loves us so much. His love astounds me every day. Just when we are on our last limb and we feel as if we can go no further and the trial becomes too hard you can hit your knees and ask for help. He will answer, he is always there to see us through. There is no trial too great, no task too hard to complete. With our Heavenly Father all is possible by him and through him. He will give us strength when we are weak. When the sun goes down and and it becomes dark and you feel alone look up. He has placed trillions of beautiful and astonishing stars above us so that we don't have to fear the dark. He places these beautiful things all around us to remind us that we are not alone and he does care for us. More than we could ever comprehend. He has made the ultimate sacrifice. All he asks is that we live righteously and keep commandments he has placed here for us. It couldn't be any easier and the reward for completing this task is eternal life with our families and our Heavenly Father. In a place that my mind will never be able to comprehend until I pass on from this life. That blows me away... I can't even believe how beautiful this Earth is. Northern Lights, White sand beaches in Hawaii, Yosemite National Park, Yellowstone, Sunrises in Alaska, The Amazon, Niagara Falls, Butchart Gardens, The Ocean! The list is endless. We are surrounded by incredible mountains everywhere you look here in Utah. The beautiful temples all over the world. God has given us such an amazing place to live and its's temporary! We are living it up. So stop and enjoy the small miracles that are happening all around us. The beautiful scenery we can enjoy every single day! I am so lucky to be so blessed, that when I am having a hard day I can go outside and see green trees everywhere, beautiful flowers, giant mountains, blue sky, a huge lake and the faces of those that I love and care about. Thank you God, for everything.

In between beats.

Some flaws run so deep that you cannot see them when you look in the mirror. Sometimes you don't see it at all until you try looking from someone else's view. Even then you might not catch it. Thankfully I have an incredible friend that I look up to and love very much. She revealed to me a great truth that I have failed to see my entire life. I have been selfish. I had my heart set on something and when it was set on something I pursued it with every ounce of energy that I had. At times without thinking how it would effect those around me, someone else's feelings. I have been heart broken a time or two and immediately I turn to anger. Because I was being selfish. I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it at that very moment. I believed I deserved it or I had earned it. I was only thinking about me, myself and I. It's sad to just now understand how badly I may have hurt someone else's feelings or how I have treated their heart. Truth is someone as selfish as me does not deserve any heart and have in no way earned one. Now I can see why my heart was the only one that I was allowed to ever hold. Because I only cared for my heart. Maybe with this knowledge I have now I could have a chance at earning her heart but you cannot dwell in the past because what's done is done. Nothing I can do will ever change it. So I just have to pray that I can soon forget the feelings I have been carrying for so long and try to start over. Now my only goal is to serve the lord for two years. I owe him more than I can possibly repay him, and I have been selfish thinking about being alone and how it hurts and the ache of a broken heart but he was with me every step of the way and he was there to comfort me. I just needed to put away my pride and get my knees and ask for it. But now I understand and I can go and do his work. Glorify him to the highest degree and share his compassion with the world. I want to be more like my God. His love will always be with me and I cannot wait for the day where I kneel at his feet and see the holes in his hands and his feet as he embraces me and says welcome home, I have missed you and I am proud of what you have done. I will live a life that I know my God will be proud of. My love for him continually grows as I learn so much more and feel his hand in my life guiding me back to his arms. So to my friend, thank you. You deserve so much more than I could ever dream of giving you. You have brought me the greatest joy in my life. The gospel. You have shown me the light so I can do the same for so many others. Thank you for making me a better person. I hope your life is filled happiness and love.